Things That Really Piss Me Off

In No Particular Order

This is my chance to spout-off on random things that really get to me. If you have the desire to either agree or disagree with me, feel free to email me, or sign my guestbook. Maybe someday I'll figure out how to "post comments" directly on this page.

(yes, I do expect this to eventually be an extensive list and the most often updated page on my site)

1. Stupid hypocrites like this...

 DREW Barrymore has fallen off the vegetarian wagon. The former animal-rights activist is eating meat again. "I still don't eat a ton of meat, and I don't wear a ton of leather, but I just don't put strict limitations on myself anymore," Barrymore is quoted on IMDb.com. "I didn't wear certain designers because I didn't want any animals to suffer for beauty and stuff, and so I literally was dressed by Old Navy at one point . . . eventually, I got tired and wanted to play again. Dressing is like an art form - it's so much fun."

Oh... Not a ton of meat? Not a ton of leather? Oh, sorry Drew, I must have been mistaken... I thought for just a moment that you were a complete sell-out. My apologies...

2. Missionaries...

 They scour the globe looking for places to impose their germs, diseases, money-grubbing culture and bigoted doctrine. They brainwash previously happy and innocent societies. These scum-of-the-earth term themselves as 'Christian missionaries'. History proves that these fundies were responsible for destroying the social values of many native cultures. They have caused more wars & conflicts than any other group on this earth. I despise and loathe them for what they continue doing. If you're happy with your religion, more power to you, but there is no need to "Save the World", especially if it usually means death and unhappiness for those you're originally trying to save.3

3. On the internet... 

People on the internet who actually expect us to pay for graphics that we can take for free. Come to think of it, I hate people on the internet who actually expect us to pay for anything that isn't shipped to our homes. Pay for news? Access to a website? Graphics? Porn? Screw you, I can find it somewhere else for free.

4. On the highway...

Asshats that move into the left lane, in front of me, and SLOW DOWN! 

People who drive on the highway at the same speed as the person in the lane directly right of them. If you are on someone's LEFT you should be going FASTER then they are.

People who need to take a left exit, pull into the passing lane going about 35 miles an hour and turn on their blinker, 15 miles before the actual exit.

5. Sluts who wear too much make-up...

 Yes, it's fine to want to look nice for class, even better to look nice for a party. But please, leave the mask of shit at home. Nothing is more unattractive than that bronze powder mask with the annoyingly heavy lipstick, eyeliner, eye shadow, blush, and glitter overlay. Getting ready in the morning should *NOT* take three hours. And you don't need makeup to walk out to the mailbox or to get the newspaper from your front lawn.

6. Famous people who hate their lives...

Okay. There are trillions of people out there that will never, ever have lives as good as yours. Most of us will never have our songs on the radio, or our books in print, or our faces on magazines. These famous people who just "can’t deal" need a reality check. Your lives are good; you need not piss and moan to me about your drug addictions because of your crappy life. If anyone needs to escape, it sure as hell isn’t you.

7. Affirmative Action...

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. However, I am not a racist person. I realize that people of minorities have been treated like shit in the past, and I think it’s great that finally we’ve all gotten it in our heads that there really isn’t a difference between all of us. But guess what? That’s the past. I never owned a slave, and you never were a slave. I do NOT want to hear any modern black man or woman complain about how his ancestors were enslaved and somehow that entitles them to have certain advantages. You want equality? That is certainly not the way to go about it.

8. Bad parents...

God, this pisses me off. If you can’t control your child, you have done something wrong. No matter what anyone tells you, it is YOUR fault. Now, I’m not just talking about a little out of control; all children rebel against their parents in one way or another, whether they take up smoking or they sneak out with their friends. That is normal. What I am talking about is the weeping mama on Maury Povich talking about her twelve-year-old daughter that is addicted to sex and drugs and dresses like a two-dollar hooker. Oh, please. That is disgusting. There isn’t one more soul to blame that kind of fucking mistake on. There should be a pre-parenting test that would weed out the dumbfucks like you.

9. Gap commercials...

Oh, my God. If I have to see one more anorexic little whore prancing around in that expensive shit, I’m going to vomit.

10. People who don’t think NASCAR racing is a sport... 

"It’s just guys driving in circles." Well, guess what, asshole – you’re wrong. Let’s see how long you last driving 500 miles at 200 miles per hour in a 140 degrees Fahrenheit screaming death machine – and you have to love it, too, making money ONLY if you’re truly good at what you do. Baseball players are athletes, but NASCAR drivers are not? Have you SEEN some of those pitchers? I would sincerely like to see a football player survive a four hour race.

11. The way "each other" is two words and not one...

 Why the hell is this? Everything, everyone, everybody, nobody, nothing – they’re all words. I suppose I can understand the simple principle that you don’t use the word ‘each’ in this way. But then why the hell do I keep typing it as one fucking word? Because it feels right and you know it. Christ, we say it as one word – "eachother." I know others do it too, dammit. Could we please just make this a word? And while we're at it, "alot" should also be a word.

12. Spam...

At least 3 times a week my mailbox is attacked with emails bearing the subject "Nyte_Rayn, finally, a safe and easy way to enlarge your penis!" and "Nyte_Rayn, learn to please your woman in bed!"

I don't have a penis, I don't have a woman.. stop fucking sending me this shit!

13. People who think they're too busy to type full words, capitalization's and punctuation...

do u h8 ppl who type like this    i know i do    i think u do 2

You are not constrained by length or by time, so what excuse do you possibly have to contract every single word into gibberish? Would it kill you to spell you as "Y-O-U" instead of "u"? It's only two extra letters, you lazy ass.

14. Segregated TV...

OK, what racist network television programming moron decided that TV should be segregated? Don't look away; you know exactly what I'm talking about. There are TV shows out there where every single character is black, or every single character is hispanic, or every single character is white. There are even freakin all-black channels like BET (Black Entertainment Television). Didn't we decide that "separate but equal" just doesn't work? Why is TV different?

15. Butchered National Anthems...

What is it about celebrities and national anthems? At major sporting events, they always get a celebrity to sing the national anthem. And every celebrity has to "customize" it, with unnecessary vocal flourishes and extra notes. Every note in the original anthem turns into a fucking arpeggio in the customized version. The anthem takes longer, and it's downright annoying.

Everybody claps, because they have no choice. If they boo, people might think they're booing the anthem itself, and not the idiot singer who just butchered it. So they clap, even though all of them are undoubtedly wishing that the singer would just shut up.

16. The UConn financial aid department...

Don't even get me started on this one...

17. The fact that pot is illegal...

We can smoke cigarettes at 18, we can drink copious amounts of alcohol at 21... but marijuana remains completely illegal in this country, even though its less addictive then tobacco and causes less permanent brain damage then alcohol. Its a plant guys, come on, get over it.

18. People who smoke cigarettes in public...

Ok, the non-smoking section being next to the smoking section in a restaurant does not keep the smoke segregated, the world is not your ashtray, and if I wanted lung cancer I would suck on a tobacco stick all day... I don't need you to make that decision for me. Thanks.

19. Dry clean only clothes...

Ok, I have neither the time or money for this bullshit. I have a washer and dryer for a reason, I don't need clothes that someone else has to wash for me.

20. People who bring their purchases up to the cashier, and then continue shopping...

"Hold on, I just need to grab one more thing!"

Screw you, did you not happen to notice the line of people behind you who have finished their shopping and would like to go home now?

21. The conversation you have with someone you haven't seen in a long time, had no desire to see, but just happened to bump into...

"So.. uh.. how have you been? Oh yeah? That's nice. Ok, umm... yeah.. see you soon. Keep in touch!"

22. Creationists...

Come on, give me a break... stop trying to prevent teachers from teaching science. Stop using the same pathetic excuses to back up a belief simply because you desperately want to believe it. Come up with some evidence and get back to me, until then SHUT THE HELL UP!

23. People who continue talking to me when I'm obviously not listening...

If the only thing I've said to you in 10 minutes is "uh huh", I avoid making eye contact, and I'm slowly but surely backing away from you... it's time to go bother someone else, I'm not interested.

24. Trailing mouse pointers...

Whoever came up this feature should be shot, whoever uses it should be shot twice.

25. Alcohol laws...

Here in Connecticut we can't buy alcohol or beer on Sundays, or on weekdays after 8pm. I don't think I even need to explain why this is so asinine or why it pisses me off.

26. Stupid acronyms that companies make up and force on their employees...

I saw this sticker at a Walmart yesterday-

Customers
Have
A
Name
Too

CHANT? WTF? Does this make the Walmart employees better serve me in ANY way? I think not.

27. People who come up to an elevator I'm already standing at and feel the need to push the button...

Do you really think I was so stupid that I didn't think of that? "I figured if I stood here long enough, it would just come."

This also applies to crosswalk signals.

28. Small pizzas...

There are no small pizzas anymore! I call for delivery, and they say "Sorry, we don't have a small pizza, only medium and large." Well, doesn't that make the medium pizza SMALL??!!

29. People who say "You're in America, speak English!"...

Yeah, America, the FREE COUNTRY, where two Spanish speaking people have every right to speak Spanish to one another. Don't assume they're talking about you simply because they feel more comfortable speaking in their native tongue. I'm sure they have more important things to do. If they're not speaking to you, the language they use is none of your concern.

30. This...

Ok, the next few I stole off the "Things That Must Be Destroyed List" as http://www.i-mockery.com but I wholeheartedly agree with each one, just didn't have the energy to rant about it myself, and I'm sure this guy would have done a much better job anyway... if you don't like it, you can suck it.

The Verizon Wireless Commercials:
As if the Carrot Top 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials aren't horrible enough, along come the Verizon wireless commercials in which they're trying to convince us that they're doing everything they can to give people the best reception on their cell phones. That's fine Verizon, thanks for letting us know... but did you really have to make an entire SERIES of commercials about it? If I see that fucking "Can you hear me now?" guy one more time, I'm going to put a megaphone up to his ear and say "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU!!!!!!!! NOW WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIE!?!?" This actually brings up another question: who the hell is he talking to on the other end of the line? That has to be the most horrible job on earth. Just imagine it... listening to a guy go "Can you hear me now?" all day long. I'd sooner take a job where my duty was to lick the booths clean at a local peep show joint rather than listen to that asshole all day long.

The Charmin Bears:
Let's get one thing straight. The last thing I want to see on TV is a commercial about a bear that goes behind a tree to wipe his ass. That's NOT a good way to get me to buy your product. I'm also pretty sure that an ENTIRE PACK of Charmin toilet paper couldn't handle a massive bear shit. Bears are huge, and I imagine their shit is too. You're not selling the toilet paper to the fucking bears, and you're not convincing us that your toilet paper is strong enough to handle a mighty bear shit. So here's a suggestion, Charmin: SHUT UP. REMOVE THOSE ASININE COMMERCIALS FROM TV AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. Why companies feel the need to advertise necessities like toilet paper is beyond me anyway. I just buy the cheapest toilet paper I can find in the store. Why? BECAUSE I'M GOING TO WIPE MY ASS ON IT! I don't need to spend 3 bucks on something that I'm going to WIPE MY ASS on. Idiots...

The Listerine Guy:
Dear sweet bastard, how I loathe everything about this guy. If you haven't seen the commercial, it basically chronicles the process of this jackass who is trying to withstand the pain involved with swishing Listerine in your mouth for a minute. The moronic facial expressions he makes as he swishes are almost enough to make me take a sledgehammer to my TV, but what's worse is how stupid the Listerine people think we really are. If you look at his mouth while he's supposedly swishing the Listerine around, it's completely obvious that there's NOTHING in his mouth at all. He's just acting... very, very badly. After he spits it out (which of course they don't show) and his head comes back up, his lips aren't even wet. So what's the message here? Apparently the message is that 1) The Listerine people think we're all idiots who wouldn't notice that the guy isn't swishing anything in his mouth and 2) Listerine is too brutal for anybody to actually keep in their mouth, because if it wasn't, then this guy wouldn't have a problem really doing it for the commercial.

Kelly Osbourne:
Ok, I'm pretty sure everybody has seen "The Osbournes". As funny as Ozzy himself is, I cannot fucking stand his kids. His son is bad enough, but his daughter Kelly just brings out a deep, dark, inner rage that frankly scares me. Because she's Ozzy's lil' girl, not only is she spoiled up the arse, but she now has her own music video. She's "singing" Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach". Her voice? I'd rather listen to a hyena slowly being run over by a steamroller while Richard Simmons sings "The Macarena" in the background. Ooohh Kelly, you're so rebellious singing a song like "Papa Don't Preach" when your dad has given you a fucking dream life. But I'm sure that "punky" look of yours will appeal to many other spoiled, angst-ridden teens and you'll sell plenty of records anyway because kids can be completely fucking stupid like that. They'll completely ignore the fact that you were listening to Hanson and N*Sync not too long ago (and probably still do). Ozzy, when you're done stuttering, I suggest discussing the option of euthanasia with your daughter. Actually, it's not an option. Just kill her and we'll still buy your records and watch your show. Deal?

Cute Animal Posters:
I've always despised these things. They rank right up there with those typical office motivational posters, only these ones include the wretched element of "cuteness" with their message. I can't even begin to count how many variations of the "Hang In There!" poster I've seen. It's always some poor helpless animal that was obviously forced by the photographer to cling for their lives onto a tree branch or something. Isn't that the kind of crap the animal rights people are supposed to be protecting the animals from? I guess not. Actually, those frogs are kinda cute... Haha, look at the lil' fella just hangin' on there! You can do it lil' fella! Don't let go! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH@#(%*@#%@#%(*$**!%!!!! YOU SEE THAT!?!? LOOK WHAT IT'S DOING TO ME!!! DESTROY THESE POSTERS THEY'RE PURE EVIL!!!!

Go-Gurt:
I'm not exactly sure what it is about a product like Go-Gurt that makes me feel it is inherently wrong. All I know is that this shit is disturbing. Yogurt alone is something I tend to stay away from. But when you put yogurt in a squeezable pouch, the combination is like a tool of Satan. Then again, this is coming from a guy who just the other day saw blue french fries in the frozen foods section and was determined to try them. I guess we've all got our little things that we prefer to steer clear of. For some people it's feet, for others it's porcupines... for me it's Go-Gurt.

"Real Life" TV Shows:
If they want to have a TRUE "Real Life" show, then they should at least make it interesting. Leave a guy completely naked in a back alley in New York City with the words "Go Home Yankee" written on his chest. Let's see him "survive" that.

Beanie Babies:
For crissakes, how the fuck can anybody buy these things when they're are toys out there like "Spawn" that come complete with "removable guts"! Did you hear me? REMOVABLE GUTS!! Who the hell wants to play with a bean bag that has a face when you can play with REMOVABLE GUTS!?!? Now, if they put guts inside of these innocent little beanie babies, that'd be a different story. I'd buy them all if they had organs inside of them that I could rip out. "Hello Mr. Happy Pink Elephant! (RRRRRIP!) Well lookee here! I've got your spleen!"

Teen Magazine:
Gee, let's make all the children in the land become materialistic clones! Let's tell them that Britney Spears is "cool!" and that the Backstreet Boys are "totally dreamy!". And while we're at it, let's make the kids feel really bad about themselves if they don't look like they're made of plastic. Hell, with magazines like this, it's no wonder there are 12-YEAR-OLDS that want breast implants. Hey kids! Just ask mommy & daddy to buy you an entire new body! If they really love you, they will.

The Pepsi Girl:
I normally wouldn't even cover this, because like the Olsen Twins, this is such an OBVIOUS choice. But I had several people tell me that I really need to include her in my list of things that must be destroyed. The Pepsi Girl just has one of those faces that you want to stomp into the ground. And dear god, those dimples on her cheeks are just asking to be skewered by a red hot poker! It's not "cute" or "funny", it just brings out a rage from within that most of us have never tapped into before. I once overheard a nun say, "Forgive me lord, but I want to crack that little bastard's skull open!".